Gender

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example...

1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it,
and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time,
the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this-it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Survey

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought
of their ass.

85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.

10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.

5% of women said that they would marry him again.

Caller Question

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a
caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a
virgin?"

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

372 people search for porn on Google every second.

Pornography is available everywhere today. Magazines, film, books, and of course the internet. In 2006, the internet division of the industry made nearly 5 billion dollars. 

Thanks to search engines like Google, all it takes is typing a single word to find something on the internet- including more adult subjects. It's estimated that one fourth of all internet searches are pornography related. 

About 13% of Americans view pornography regularly, and three fourths of them are men. The exact number on how many people search every second can be misleading though. The number was determined by looking at certain keywords and how often they were searched. 

The problem is the keywords can often be coincidental in their relation to adult searches, and so the figure could be much lower. This number also isn't very accurate in representing how many people visit porn sites on the Internet, because it excludes those who visit specific sites, and only includes those who search it in Google outright. 

(Source)

The Toking Monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks
past and looks up and says to the monkey,  "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few tokes together.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going
to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to
the river and leans over the river to get his drink.

Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree
and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell
into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks
off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is
still sitting and toking on the joint.

He looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "wwoooowww dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"

You've got mail

You've got mail

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
"Now, you have everything."